It's kinda fucked. I mean lately I lie to my therapist.
You could say: "These are kinda strong first words."
And I would reply: "You're right.. They are but thats the point. If it can be strong then sometimes it has to be strong. That's the point of words. In a book the first line has to hit the reader to make you read further. And now you are wondering why are you even here on the first place. And why are you reading this. I can't answer this for you. Maybe you got interested what will be my point after this much talk..
So in the end they are strong words because they have to be and because they are true."
They are t r u e.
In reality the last session went away without me talking about the fact that I'm maybe not well. She told me that I won't have therapy for 3 months because she will work on a different unit full time. It's fucked because this 3 months is in that typical worst period of the year. It's also fucked because she doesn't know so many things. I lied through my summer on therapy.
She doesn't know that those things my "symtomps" are coming back. They slowly crawl back into me like my summer was just a fever dream, a cease in the system. Which stopped it for a while but not for too long. He is back and active. I have breakdowns at night and I often lie about my eating.
It's not really that I would want to get skinnier. I just don't want to eat. I feel sick when I think about that I maybe should. So I often go out in the afternoon come back in the evening and lie that I ate while I was out. But in reality I didn't.
She doesn't know these things.. Now how I think about it I feel like I'm just wasting her time and waste place in therapy. I mean she taught me ways how should I deal with some of my things but in reality I have no motivation to use them. Maybe I don't have the motivation to get better because being good feels weird. It feels weird when I'm well. I got used to this stucked feeling of suffering. I got used to it I barely see out of it but I hate it. I want to get out but I also don't. I can't find the way out or I just don't want to find it...
In the last session we talked about what we will do in the upcoming 4 sessions. Because we only have 4 sessions left before she dissapears for three months. She told me I can text her if I'm in crisis and I don't see out. Which definetely will happen, but I don't think I will reach out to her. I think I would just bother her. We can't talk in person anyways so she can't really help. She can give me to one of her collegues or call me up/text with me but thats all.